I am sorry that you have suffered so much from abusive parents. Although my own childhood was not as traumatic as yours, I still suffered from parents who claimed to love me but never gave me any validation for who I actually was or even said. Their every other word was "should" or even worse, "should have..." And so of course I internalized this subtle abuse, constantly berating myself for what I "should have" done. Until I realized that hell resides in the past subjunctive--in the contrary-to-fact realm of "if only I had..." or "I should have..."

And so, as I often told my own students (many of whom, in an urban community college, came from extremely abusive childhoods), "nothing you've done, suffered, or failed to do in the past has any necessary effect on what you choose to do in the present moment."

I hope you are able to find a way beyond the lingering resentment of your parents. They, after all, were abusive, most likely, because they themselves felt inadequate--they were likely abused as well. As long as you stew in resentment of them, they will still have power over you. When you can let go of all that, and simply acknowledge their own inner suffering as the source of their abuse--even if you don't know why they were suffering--you will be on the path of healing, both your own inner wounds and theirs. Best of luck in this!