Your comments remind me of myself in my early 30s: disillusioned with life and love, quietly despairing of ever amounting to anything, but still tormented by testosterone. But then I joined a choir and met an older woman, just divorced, who was simultaneously lots of fun, kindhearted, astute, and often a pain in the ass, and who could see right through my pretenses, but adored me nevertheless for reasons I couldn’t even guess. That was 35 years ago, and we are still married, both retired from rewarding teaching careers, and happier than ever. She broke all the molds into which I had previously fit all the women I knew: she was neither a goddess, a parasite, nor “just friends.” So let go of craving and instead, take an interest in something outside yourself: a cause, a choir, a theater group, or whatever…the right woman will choose you, not vice versa. (Women are a lot wiser than we are!)